I feel like ranting/writing a long blog.

School has ended for awhile and I am glad that it did. There was no way in hell was I going to get an A in chem the way I was. So, I didn’t do the last labs and managed a B anyways. Percentage doesn’t matter in college, right? Well, I shouldn’t be used to this work way nor should I practice it. So bad Veronica. On the other hand, I got an A in math when I thought my scores said otherwise. I’m glad I guess. After all, it’s basically my third time taking that course. I got an A in English but I’m afraid that it was way too easy to help me at all. And for music? I stupid B. It was not an easy A because I guess I wasn’t really being taught and I got lazy. Boo, Veronica, Boo. For the next semester I should really try harder. Like seriouslyyyy!

I’ve done a great deal of things with my family. You might say I’m addicted to my family or addicted to the family time. It’s joyful, it’s rare, it’s calming. I can act my real self. That doesn’t mean I’m NOT my real self in real life, but I guess .. it’s hard to convey what I want to explain. It’s just not a struggle and I can loosely say this and that and .. it’s me. Anyways, besides the point, I’m getting sadder every day with the feeling that the family is really breaking up. Not breaking up that we’re not close anymore but that we’re not all together in this one, tiny, single story home. I still think about it and get frustrated. I was used to being babied AND yelled at and I hardly hear it anymore. Well, the occasional visits gets me a few shouts. I also still feel like a baby thinking about these things because .. who worries about these types of things? Maybe I’m not aware of people who might feel the same way because I don’t know of anybody who seems to know how I feel. Or I have yet to meet someone like that. I don’t know but it just feels so empty here.

Speaking of loneliness and nonsense like that, I think I truly feel scared of the future of our earth. It’s dumb to think about it right? But look at all the corruptness and stupidity in our world. What’s going to happen? Deep in my heart, I felt like the world was going to end this year. I think all the things I have seen impacted it. This list is going to sound silly, but I can’t help it if my brain decides to believe it/be skeptical of it. First there was that stupid paper scare that was on my car about how an earthquake was going to hit on September 3rd, 2010 and that it was supposed to be catastrophic. Whoever that person was claims he received this message from God. I really don’t know about that one. Then, there was my cousin who was telling me stories of her faith and about Jesus Christ. She enlightened me, she truly did. Then she had her own belief that the second coming was going to be this year. Yeah, I got scared. I mean, I’m not supposed to be. If I have truly been a good Catholic, or at least a good person, then I would be saved, right? The majority of me is pessimistic, so I don’t think I’ve been such a good person.

Then, there was the stories of people who are dying. They aren’t celebrities but friends of friends. There was the girl who died of Lupus and the guy who died from a bad pill. The first experience, I just truly grieved whoever she was. I stumbled on her funeral album and cried. Such a girly thing to do. Then there was the guy who happened to be an old high school friend of my sister’s. I have no idea how many times I cried this weekend thinking about it. He went to Popsicle, you know, that stupid rave? Popped the wrong pill and was sent to a hospital in Fremont. He had no medical insurance and it was costing him $10,000-$20,000 a day. He slipped into a coma two days later and doctors didn’t know if he would wake up. They had a facebook group to help fund his family for these hospital bills. For the whole week, I would pass by my sister’s room and ask her what has been updated since she was constantly checking to see progress. Once in awhile, she would bring up a story from way back in her high school years. It would make me smile but it would also make me grieve. I prayed for him though I didn’t know him. I’ve met him before and I admitted that I thought he was really cute. That’s my description of him. Sunday morning, my sister walked pass my door and said, “..Trung died. He had a stroke.” I could hear a loud sigh and she went into the bathroom then back to her room. I decided to go comfort her not knowing what would happen next. She proceeded to say she had a short dream about him. Even now, I really forgot details about it. Then she said “I can’t believe it .. he was like .. my buddy. (In this context, like best friend).” I could see her eyes filling with water. “Back in Sophomore year, I thought he was cute and somehow he heard and he went up to me and said ‘I only think of you as a friend’, made it hella awkward.” She forced a playful smile but her tears kept going down. Out of all of my mom’s children, she and I were probably the most emotional. I sat there crying as well. I really didn’t know what to say and went to my room and cried even more. It just got me thinking about how people pop like nothing. And it made me think of how stupid everybody is becoming. Okay, maybe not stupid, but ignorant. The day this happened was the day my family and I went to gilroy gardens. Thankfully my sister didn’t really think about it then, so then neither did I. The next day (today), I was getting ready to take the family picture. She told me to come to her room so she could talk to me. I closed the door and she talked about how she had another dream.

“I remember opening the door to our old old house. Outside there’s a little green hill right? Well he was lying there and there was a woman with him. I asked ‘Are you his mom?’ She said yes. He suddenly woke up, got up, and yelled ‘Give me a piggy back ride!’ He started chasing me and when he finally got me, he gave me a big hug from behind. ‘Take care, okay?’ He gave her a kiss on the cheek. I temporarily woke up but I went back to sleep. Then he was chasing me again asking for a piggy back ridge again. This time he gave an even bigger hug from behind. ‘Take care’ he said. He let go and stepped back. I turned around so that I could look at him and he was standing there smiling and waving goodbye.”

Seriously, that cut my heart into a million pieces. It was one of the saddest things I’ve listened to lately. Even now, tears roll down my cheeks. And this whole day, ever since she told me this, I would replay what she said in my mind and I would become very sad. May he rest in peace. From how my sister portrays him, he was a really good, funny guy.

I miss my friends. I miss seeing them every day. I hate this huge distant that I’ve got between everybody. People say that it’s usually the person themselves that is the reason that they’re not close. Well, I’m hard to get along with nowadays. I think this college life changed me. Made me more angry and such. Made me more bitchy? I have started to judge people more if you can’t tell. So I suck at making friends in my classes. And lately I’ve been thinking that I’ll never get another boyfriend due to how strict I am. Well, the only real restriction is that he can’t be a drug obsessed freak,alcoholic, and obnoxious. However, most men are like this and I dislikedislikedislike. It’s like guys have to hold up some sort of pride or some shit. Makes them look like fags, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’m going to live my life single :(.

NIGHT!

It’s been awhile.

The past month of my life didn’t convey anything too interesting. I got closer to a few of my school friends and that is all. I met new people and talk to them but that is all. I hung out with the close people to me but that was it. I haven’t really conveyed much attention to the people around me lately. I tried to start doing it maybe a week or two ago and it seemed fine. I still feel like there’s nobody that is absolutely there for me. Kind of makes me miss having a companion (but not really).

There’s also those times I feel like I have been an inconvenience to my friends. I’m really slow and I don’t pay attention. I’m not good in studies (but I don’t know how I do decent on tests and quizzes). So I feel like I’m not prepared for what they have to say to me. Kind of wording it wrong probably but I can’t help how I am. I wish I knew a way to get better communication skills.

Some friends I made in chem class mention several times that I don’t seem like the shy type that I claim to be. They say I talk a lot and that it seems like it would be easy for me to make friends. That’s probably completely untrue. It’s probably awkward to make friends with me but I appreciate these words. It makes me feel good inside. I’m starting to open up to people I guess.

It is 10:19 P.M. on a Friday Night. I still yearn to go out and be with my friends. I hung out with Vicky today though. It was cool. Had lunch, shopped a little, visited school (while it was awkward around badminton), and went home. Seriously, I want to get out. I’m new at this though. What do people do at nighttime for fun? I’m not into the clubbing (yet) or the drinking (yet). It’s these type of simple things where people would go “Are you for reals? You don’t go out at night?” Yes, I don’t. I will be honest, I have before but not lately. Before it was just hanging out with the old flame and doing nothing really. My best friend’s house is too far to go on spontaneous trips to her house. The only person I know I could really get away to spontaneously (if I could actually even do that) is Serena since she lives close by. Nobody else would welcome me probably, but I”m just saying.

BLAH what I’m trying to convey about these feelings is that I WANT TO MEET NEW PEOPLE ! I WANT TO EXPLORE A WORLD I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE ! I WANT TO LIVE LIFE AS AN ADULT (young adult).

But yeah, to repeat everythingggg like I always do. It’s a Friday night and I’m lonely. “You can’t get what you want” but I can still wish. I’m just in dying need of a companion. (That DOESN’T mean a bf in this context).

I’m still in constant fear that an earthquake will hit soon.

I get a little bored and do my makeup. Sadly, my skin is shit and I’m becoming more self-conscious. P90X better be working because if it is, it’s going really slow. I know it’s something I should be patient with but I have bad urges to pig out a lot. :[ So sad.

Let’s review my week. UC friends came back and I really didn’t spend a whole load of time with any of them :[ Let’s see:

Monday evening I went to Lany’s house to hang out. My, Dorothy, and Jason came over as well and we just did random things. Had sushi that night with Dorothy and Jason at Cha Cha. YUMMY CHEEP UNAGI LOVERS ROLL !! I don’t care if it’s hella plain ! It’s cheap (6.99) and I love Unagi. Plus, just asking for spicy mayonaisse makes it a whole new roll. Oh, and I remember asking for extra ginger and I ate basically all the ginger. The look on Jason’s face when he tried it was priceless. (Which reminds me, I need to buy more ginger for my house. I plan to pick up some kimchi too. Nummy.)

Tuesday afternoon I went to the library for awhile to do some chemistry and look over music for the exam. Text Tony to go hang out and picked him up. We went to eat at Denny’s cause we couldn’t decide what to eat and we were around there. Long time since I had a one to one hangout with Tony Vu. First time going to the Lion market there too. Went there because I’ve been meaning to try and make thai tea so I got it. How dumb, the thai tea wasn’t even on the side with all the other teas. It was on the opposite side where we weren’t looking. Luckily Tony decided to just check it and found it. Bought it and a hello kitty candy thing and some gummy filled chocolate thing, drooled over the jar of kimchi and candies (and .. the fish) and left. Dropped off Tony since I had class in like 30 minutes. Left class early to go hang out with Adrian. Again, I only really hung out with Adrian one time before so this was the second. Ate at whimsical (much more expensive than yogurtland but it was in the area..) Talked for awhile and then parted. He had a final to study for, boo. I bought new nail polish at Ulta. Pretty color that was on sale. Yay. I think maybe this nail polish collection will kill me. I should stop for now :[ When I got home I made the Thai Tea and it was SUPER SWEET. Since I didn’t have half and half and used french vanilla coffee creamer instead, that was what made it sweet. Later that night Kayla almost choked on the candy I gave her. I got hella scared so .. no more candy giving to her. Apparently her choking on the candy had a toll on her too. She had the chills or something, shaking and feeling really cold. Scarry, but she’s fine now.

Wednesday was the barbecue that was gonna be at Danna Rock. Starts at 2 and I didn’t think I could make it cause usually I get out of class 3:30 ish and usually get home by 4:00 but that would result to just going to EVC to study in the library. HOWEVER, my chemistry teacher said we could leave after we were done with lab so we did and it was 2:30. I made it to the barbecue and reunited with girls (and some guys but .. I don’t talk to most of them). It was fun fun. Hot dogs galore, scooping onions into my hot dog with the lid of the container, keke. Had a music exam that night so I had to leave early. I got my old test back and had an 87. WHAT!? So I was scared for the one I just took. Crummer’s lecture wasn’t as funny as his previous one. He’s still cute though.

Thursday was a kind of nothing day. I made another batch of thai tea since the other one ran out (I only made enough for like 5 cups). This time I forgot to add sugar so then I made some for my brother and he’s like “WTF?” Haha my bad. I met up with Jackie from my calculus class to study and I noticed I forgot more than I thought. The test I died too. I forgot plenty of things cause I didn’t bother studying. Oh boy, what a bitch. I shouldn’t feel so cocky about my mathematics. Haha. Never again, I’m going to study next time. Or at least, not procrastinate.

Today I got to hang out with Anna, Serena, Charmaine, and Vicky. Not together though. It was just Serena, Anna, and I at the beginning. Went into a couple of stores and browsed for like an hour until Serena left to go help out Oak Grove ROTC with their ball. Anna and I went around looking for flats until Charmaine called to tell us she arrived. Went to shiek to look at flats. Saw some cute flats but didn’t have any in my size. Anna had some though and so I bought those for her later. Vicky came and we looked to find some other matching shoes. Got some gladiator flats. Triple matching and we bought them. Then I had to go home. Looking at it now, the shoes are nice and all but I would hecka return them to get my dream lace up flats from forever21. I think I’ll ask for my sister’s opinion before I decide to return them. Confessed my sins to God and then relaxed at home. And that was my week.

I need a life :[ I need better things to do. I need a job. I need to clean my room. Roar. I hate that there’s so many things I want to do but no time/money/patience. Haha. That concludes this blog.

It’s been another month I’ve neglected. Even so, I usually write here when I have a lot on my mind. So here we go again.

This semester of school is a lot more fun so far I guess. I have a little more free time than last so I am able to sneak about even if not long. I actually made friends in my classes too. I was really aloof last semester. Blah. Plus it’s a super easy schedule since I really only need to study for one class: Chemistry. Chemistry is a shaky subject because I think I’m doing well when in reality, I’m not. That’s pretty sad now that I think about it.

On to other things. UC folks are coming back this next week when I still have class. I’m really sad cause a barbecue was planned on a Wednesday where I have Chemistry for 5 hours (11-4ish) and then I have a music exam in the evening (which only occurs every 2-3 weeks so THAT SUCKS). I’m really sad. Even though I don’t even get to really communicate with them UC people, it would have been really nice to catch up.

In this first month of independence, I feel refreshed. I said this the previous time too but I can’t help but admit it and scream it out. I FEEL REFRESHED. No stress and shit. It sounds kind of mean but tis true. I mean, if you’re a person who is getting along with your partner, then I’m happy for ya. I sadly felt pressured a lot so I can finally relieve and have time to myself. I noticed how much I seemed to neglect my family because once it was finished, I got closer to my family. I felt kind of pathetic though that such a scenario is the only reason I did. I should’ve on my own. I regret not communicating and sharing with them. I’m trying my hardest to get into the habit.

With independence comes solitude. At the same time, I have nothing to do. After I’ve done this and that, then I sit around going “What the hell am I gonna do now?” I organize my room (when I’m not lazy) and walk around the house. Often times I find myself going into my brother’s room. I just sit and stare at him playing H.O.N. or Final Fantasy (or I myself play Final Fantasy), or I even bring my laptop over just to sit there knowing I have company. It also felt like I lost so much in such a short time. I mentioned this on my tumblr but not here. My sisters have already all left the house. I grew up with a full family buzzing around the house. Now, I can even hear the birds chirp clearly outside since there’s no noise. It’s reallly lonely. Plus, the impact of college and “going separate ways from friends.” I’m seeing it more and more. It’s already been so long but it’s sad to think about it. Sigh.

Oh, and I’ve been very paranoid about our earth. So many disasters have been occurring and it makes me feel really sad. People keep saying things like the apocalypse, armageddon, or such. I get scared at night thinking about it and I talk to God hoping that it’ll help out. I want to feel a bit more positive but I’m a scaredy cat (not proud of it but I could always openly admit it).

Back to a happier/normal mode. I still want those collections! Right now it’s nail polishes, hello kitty, mickey mouse (yeah I don’t know this is iffy), shoes, blah can’t name it all. I told myself i would get a job but I realize it’s not worth it right now. Maybe once it’s around the end of my Spring semester I’ll apply for a job. If, and that’s only if, there’s no summer session then I have lots of time to work (even though I won’t know how I’ll feel about working then). Blah yeah.

:] And YOU! If you just read this, thanks for reading because you’re interested in my boring life.

School started. I have two online classes and two .. classroom classes. I must say that the two teachers I attend class for are SUPER DUPER ADORABLE !!! I'm a weird person I know :[ . Chemistry is a huge class. His lecture combines two of his classes. Lab cuts it down though. I haven't had chemistry or worked with chem stuff since Sophomore year. I felt soooo dumb. I'm catching on though. I am remembering stuff little by little. My math class is super boring though. I guess maybe it's cause I don't have to pay attention to the lecture and I end up drawing doodles all over my notes. BLah, but overall school's really interesting. I like my classes a lot more than the classes I took last semester. Maybe it's because my expertise are "numbers" and not "words". Speaking of words, so far my online english class is a joke. I have an essay due monday though. Fuck. Or at least a response to a story that is public to all my classmates. Great, I took it online to avoid this crap. Haha oh well. And for Music 83? A CUTE TEACHER AS WELL ! Only seen him once for orientation but he's really funny. My brother and sister took him for some different music class before and talked about him. Sadly, his partner died a few years ago. He seems very joyous though. Glad to see he's living his life okay.

WOOT ! Asian new years is here !!!!!!!!! Time to get my LEE SEE man. I've been broke since a long while. I haven't shopped for new shit. :[ I got 50 bucks from my sister's boyfriend so far. Sometimes I feel like I can't accept it cause he buys a lot of stuff for the family. Blah. But yeah i need to reload on the munnies cause I don't think I'll be able to get a job this semester. I'm gonna focus in school after all. Maybe in May or June I'll start to apply again.

By the way, I have no idea how long fazma is gonna survive. I just realize that Lany doesn't even use it anymore.... >:[ AND SHE SHOULD ! I just realized all these blogs are gonna be erased if this ever shuts down. Maybe I should start saving these blogs. Yeahhh, I like to save my past blogs and crap. My xanga still has blogs from 8th grade ! I also kept all the nasty journal entries when I was like a 5th-7th grader. All I can say is I couldn’t stop talking about boys. WTF was I smoking ? Boys are stupid, well .. at least some of them. Hah.

And I just noticed I’m so informal in my blogs on here. :D